blok başlıqlarını gizlət
dərs oxumamaq üçün edilən
baby
bütün zamanlarda yazdığı ən əjdaha entrylər:
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sizlərə ilk sevişmə təcrübəmi danışmıyacam. 2010-cu il yanvar ayı idi. hər yer qarla örtülmüşdü. alternatif isinmə üsulları ilə bağlı yazı yazmalı idim, birdən telefon zəng çaldı. zəng eliyən sevgilim qızməmə idi.
(ş:şəmsəddin /mən , q:qızməmə)
+q:hardasan canım?
-ş:evdəyəm canım,2 gündür yazı ilə bağlı araştırma eliyirəm
(halbuki yalan deyirdim, araştırma aparmalıydım ama mən bütün günü facebook' da qız profillərinə səfərlər eliyirdim, başımı qatırdım. ağzımda siqaret ilə kritik vuruşlar eliyirdim;"bu tükəzbanında götü qəşəngdi", "bu qız 100% verər" kimi cümlələr qururdum öz-özümə.)
+q:yazı nə ilə bağlıdı?
-ş:alternatif isinmə üsulları ilə bağlıdı
+q:yaxşı canım birazdan sənin yanıva gələcəm, çay içərik həm səndə biraz dincəlmiş olarsan
istəməyərəkdə olsa "yaxşı" dedim.
yarım saat sonra gəldi.
həmişəkinnən fərqli idi. hər dediyimə gülürdü. məndə fürsəttən istifadə eliyib başladım danışmağa. bir az sonra dil qəhbəsi olduğumu başa düşdüm və sustum. o səssizlik anında birdən boynuma sərt şəkildə sarıldı, mənimdə ona sarılmağımı istədi və məni nə qədər çox sevdiyini dedi. 1-2 dəqiqə ikimizdə danışmadıq. birdən "səni içimdə hiss etmək istəyirəm" dedi. alternatif isinmə üsullarını səhv başa düşmüşdü, yada başqa mənalar qatmağ istəyirdi.
prezervativi almaq üçün marketə getdim. pulu vermək üçün kassadakı sıranın dağılmasını gözlədim. 5 dəqiqə sonra kassaya yaxınlaşdım. kassir 20`li yaşlarda bir oğlan idi.
kassir aldığım şeyi barkottan keçirən zaman arxamda xeyli yaşlı bir xala olduğunu gördüm. xalanın kassa qayışına qoyduğu sevimli dad markalı qatığı görəndə üzüm qızardı. o an özümü serdar ortaç mahnıları qədər funksiyasız və mənasız hiss etdim. utandım, paralel dünyalar arasında açılmış bir soxulcan deşiyi içində infakt keçirirdim.
kassirin qiyməti deməsi ilə özümə gəldim, qanım hələdə isti idi. pulu verdikdən sonra kassirə "yorulmuyasız" dedim. üzümü çevirib çıxış qapısına doğru getməyə hazırlaşırdım ki,verdiyim pası gola çevirdi kassir:
"sizdə yorulmuyasız."
silinmiş entry.
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yenə bir quranlıq entry yazdım ve sonra hamısını ctrl+a delete eliyib sildim.
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uzuncorab hippinində dediyi kimi tam bir beyinsizdir. heç vaxt oturub özündən böyüklərlə müharibə illərindən danışmayıb. ona görədə xəbəri yoxdur ki insanlar həmin vaxtlarda aclıq, səfalət içində dolanırdılar. kənd yerlərində qarğıdalının içində ki çubuğu qaynadıb yemək bişirərdilər. çörək almaq üçün saatlarca gözləyərdilər. gecələri işıqları açmağa qorxardılar. gecənin bir yarısı güllə səslərinə oyanardılar. daha bir çox şeylər var.
çıxıb küçələrdə sorğu edilsə müharbə istəyirsinizmi deyə insanların əksəriyyəti istəyirik cavabını verəcək. daha sonra evə gedəndə israil - fələstin xəbərlərinə baxıb, terroru lənətləyəcək. an etibari ilədə azərbaycanda əsgər ölümlərinə pis olub müharibə istəyirlər. beyinsizlər.. sanki müharibədə insanlar ölmür. bizim insanımızın düşüncəsi heç bir zaman yaşına uyğun gəlməyibdir. 17 yaşından sonra beyin öz inkişafını dayandırır və 25-30 yaşlı ərgənlər görürük. bir çoxu öz özünə deyir ki müharibə olsa mən öz ailəmi qoruya biləcəm. xeyr, mənim qardaşım. öz götüvü qoruya bilməyəcəksən heç.
hələdə səmimiyyətsizliklərini başa düşmürlər.
insanlar bir gecədə məhv olacaq. boşu boşuna ölən insanlar. dünən nəfəs alırdı, bu gün alımır. dünən dostları ilə zarafatlaşırdı, bu gün gülmür. səsləri, sözləri yoxdu. öldülər deyəcəklər.
nə uğruna? kimin üçün? hansı vətən üçün? müharibəni lənətləmikdə afərin mi deyək? alqışlayaq mı ? onsuzda bu həyat pox kimi idi tez öldüz canınız qutardı, üstəlik birdə şəhid nağılını uydurdunuz sağolun deyə başlarınımı sığallayaq?
bəs bu beyinsizlər fikirləşmir ki: torpaqlarınıza soxum mənim övladım hanı deyildiyində nə cavab verəcəklər ? necə başa salacaqlar bu vəziyyəti. beyinsizlər. neçə nəfər öləndən sonra sülh olacaq, komputer oyunudur bu ?
silinmiş entry.
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sözlük etiraf eliyirəm ki 3-4 il bunnan əvvəl evə gələn qonaq uşaqlarını səssizcə döyürdüm.ağlıyıbda anası eşitməsin deyə səssiz-səssiz döyürdüm
ala bu nədi qonağ uşaqlarınnan çəkdiyim əziyyət deyirdim və başdıyırdım döyməyə.anaları oyun oynasın deyə yolluyurdular yanıma.ərköyün petuxlarda komputerin bütün settings`nin içinə sıçırdılar,utanmaz götverənlər.
ama mənimdə bir taktikam var idi.yavaş-yavaş,xırda-xırda vururdum onnara.tam döyüldüklərini də başa düşmürdülər,yazıqlar.embesil kimi sifətimə baxırdılar.
həmin vaxtı çox rahatlıyırdım.ayrıca mükəmməl qisas almaq strategiyası idi.* yine olsa yine yaparım
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bir xalqın içinə o qədər əziklik,sınıqlıq yüklüyüblərki artıq bu onlara axmaqlıq kimi gəlir.bir yerdə onlarıda başa düşürəm.onlar birlik,oyanmaq,ayılmaq nədir,nə olan şeydi bilmirlər.çünki daha əvvəl görmədikləri bir şeydi.bircə birliyin nə olduğunu anlasalar hər şey tamam fərqli olar.
onu anlayana qədərdə demək istədiyim bir şey var:durun siktirin anlıyanda gələrsiz.
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ayaq çəçələ barmağının şkafın küncünə dəyməsi.
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90cı illərçün darıxdım sözlük.
qadınlar haqqında heç bir fikrim olmadan onları sevdiyim günlər üçün darıxdım.
seks olmadan sevəbilmək üçün darıxdım.
çıxarlar üstünə qurulmadan dostluqlar üçün darıxdım.
futbol oynadığımız torpaq sahələr üçün darıxdım.
hər oynadığımızda pəncərəyə çıxıb bizi qovan o yaşlı dayı üçün darıxdım.
ailəmlə bərabər oturduğumuz yemək süfrələri üçün darıxdım.
ailə söhbətləri üçün darıxdım.
bəlkədə qaranlığı sevməyimin səbəbi, uşaq vaxt tez tez kəsilən ışıqdan sonrası söhbətlərimizdi. səncə sözlük ?
musiqiləri üçün darıxdım.
mən uşaqlığım üçün darıxdım sözlük. saf, təmiz yanım üçün darıxdım.
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blok - başlıqlarını gizlət
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