41. yet the feeling comes again, which probably never actually left. i can't even put my finger on the feeling, because i don't even know its name, as noone told me before about existence. somewhere in between of boredom, repulsion,disgust, exhaust but none in particular. maybe it happened because we dreamed too much, or put our expectations too high. but how does that matter? after all we always have too many reasons, but no solutions. yes, no fucking solutions. maybe the solution is not to think, it can't hurt you when you don't think, i don't know. or being busy, making yourself busy could be the solution, but when you get absolutely no joy of anything you do it all ends up even worse. i am slowly becoming one of these people i disliked as a kid, it is what frightens me the most. while i just wanted to be happy all my life, now i can't even tell if i've ever been happy. slowly everything is falling apart, everything we built. and in their place the boredom that never goes away is building its palace. yes, maybe life is not for everyone. maybe not everyone is able to live, because apparently i can't. but it is not a suicide note or anything like that. i can't die as well, i don't even want to die. i just would love to sleep for years, while dying is even harder than living. maybe it was reality that we didn't know about existence, maybe it is just life and everyone just pretends to be happy. i don't know i just wish it was easier, maybe it was different conditions that lead to this, or maybe it is something that was there since ever. but yeah the feeling of nothing going to be fine comes again, takes its place and keeps on smiling with its vicious eyes. i wish i had more courage to end it all