Asking for a Friend, Is the Silent Treatment Really That Bad?

In a perfect world, we’d all be emotionally mature, communicatively adept lovergirls (gender-neutral, BTW) dating the same. But to the chagrin of the verbal processors and chatterboxes amongst us, some of us wind up with someone who goes silent in the face of strife. If you’ve ever been on the receiving end of the silent treatment and spiraled, this article is for you.

First, quick definition: “The silent treatment is unexplained, open-ended, and intentional withdrawal of connection and communication to control or manipulate the other partner,” Stacy Hubbard, LMFT, an EMDR-certified trauma therapist and certified Gottman therapist and Gottman master trainer based in Ashland, Oregon, tells Cosmopolitan. Sure, sometimes this looks like blatant ignoring of your questions and bids for connection. But it can also mean withholding positive nonverbal responses (think: smiles, eye contact, affectionate touch) or swapping them with gestures that ooze contempt, like scoffing or eye-rolling, says Kimberly Panganiban, LMFT, a certified Gottman couples therapist based in San Diego, California.

And because we live in the age of the smartphone, “it can also mean not responding to text messages,” she adds. But now for what you’re really wondering: Why the heck does my partner go hush, and is it as bad as it feels? Ahead, relationship therapists explain what's behind the radio silence, what it means for your relationship, and how to get the chit-chat going again.

Bluntly, the silent treatment is neither a healthy nor an effective way to deal with conflict and other hard-to-swallow feelings like disappointment, anger, or hurt. If you’ve ever begged for so much as a syllable—let alone a full-ass sentence—from someone dead-set on giving you the cold shoulder, you know how true that is. Suddenly, the person who is supposed to be your confidant and cheerleader, first call and best friend, is as likely to answer your texts or calls as your celebrity crush is to slide into your DMs Adam Levine style with a “Holy fck.

That body of yours is absurd.” (IYKYK). With that comes an avalanche of doubt and despair, burying you in questions about where you stand and whether your relationship will weather the storm. Through an attachment theory lens, the person who should be your secure base suddenly becomes a source of uncertainty.

Over time, this can create a sense that your beloved attention, love, and care are conditional, which “will start to impact the level of trust in the relationship,” Panganiban says. When one partner withdraws instead of working through the issue, the receiving partner may begin to question if their partner has their best interests at heart. To top it off, Panganiban says the silent treatment robs a relationship of the chance to reap the bounty of healthy conflict management, including mutual understanding, emotional intimacy, and the chance to come back together even stronger.