His work has appeared in The Wall Street Journal, Health, Time and The Onion, among others. He is currently working on his memoir entitled ‘Never Lick the Back of Stamps – That’s How They Get You!’ My mother paced the patio, working through that week’s crisis aloud. An office mate, she was certain, was a CIA operative sent to spy on her.
I paced back and forth with her, hoping to shift her attention by describing what happened in my third-grade class. When none of my attempts landed, I went to our mailbox to retrieve the monthly issue of Reader’s Digest. At age eight, I was in love with the English language.
I tore open the magazine to a feature called ‘It Pays to Increase Your Word Power’, a list of 10 little-used words. The third item stunned me – ‘sesquipedalianism’. I laughed when I read the definition: using a big word when a small one would do.
Before I realised it, my mother was looming behind me, ever-present cigarette dangling from her mouth. Peering at the long, odd, winding word, she nodded with satisfaction. He will be able to put a stop to this.
And be sure to use that seis-qui-whatever word.’ ‘You think Al Pacino would know sesquipedalianism?’ ‘Without a doubt! If we use it in the letter, he’ll know how serious we are.’ I ran to my room. It was always a big moment when my mother came out of her walking fits.
The next few minutes were critical in how the rest of her day went. I grabbed a handful of the #2 pencils I always kept sharpened and at the ready. Initially, my mother simply had me proofread the letters she sent to celebrities asking them to intervene in the vast and ever-expanding conspiracy that was orchestrated against her.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
