Whether it’s relegation, the loss of a cup final or some other soul-crushing matchday disappointment, no televised capitulation of a football team is ever truly complete without the obligatory and intrusive post-match camera cutaway to a young fan sobbing uncontrollably in the stands. When England’s relentless humiliation of Croatia had finished on Saturday, the TV director was spoilt for choice. The vast majority of the 6,403 fans present at the behind-slightly-ajar-doors fixture were local children, admitted for free.
Their “reward” for the previous misbehaviour of their more senior counterparts turned into what was almost certainly one of the more harrowing days of their young lives. You can’t play football like that; we looked like we had four or five players less. Losing like this and squandering the reputation we’ve built over the years is unacceptable.
It was a catastrophic night.” While Croatia were lacking in every single department, England excelled in all of theirs, prompting many observers to completely lose the run of themselves after seeing their brave boys expertly dismantle a team who have previously caused them so much pain, but on this occasion showed the kind of pride and fight you would normally expect to see from 11 training cones. Seeing such a merciless beatdown committed in front of the kind of high-pitched audience you’d expect to see at a Wiggles concert made for an exceptionally surreal day. We can but hope all who were present are safely tucked up in bed and fast asleep on Tuesday night for their team’s appointment with world champions Spain.
Some commentators have opined that England’s Adriatic-adjacent demolition job was their stand-out performance under Thomas Tuchel but Football Daily would respectfully argue that, given the stakes, the team’s bravura backs-to-the-wall victory over Mexico at the Geopolitics World Cup knocked it into a c0cked hat. However, it was a certain semi-final in Atlanta to which Tuchel alluded after seeing his team of thoroughbreds repeatedly canter past and through their Croatian cart-horse counterparts. It will take more than this merciless pummelling of an ageing team so obviously in decline to complete the healing process.
While his attempts to rebuild bridges with frustrated England fans are commendable, Tuchel may want to steer clear of the rivers Bourne and Stour, as news that Alex Scott aggravated a thigh-knack he’d picked up before the game is unlikely to have endeared the German to those who live near either’s banks. The Bournemouth midfielder has now left the England squad and is expected to be sidelined for two months. Even before the scan he didn’t feel [knacked] so it’s a strange one.
There was zero risk taken from our side.” It is not the first time in recent months Tuchel’s side has been so risk-averse at a significant cost. It’s the 13th annual edition of the series, kicking off with a focus on 20 of the best young talents in the Premier League. Join Daniel Harris at 7.45pm BST for red-hot Nations League updates, including Northern Ireland 0-0 Georgia, Belgium 0-1 France, and more.
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