How can parents handle squabbles between kids?

This article has been reviewed according to Science X's editorial process and policies. Editors have highlighted the following attributes while ensuring the content's credibility: School vacations inevitably mean more squabbles. Longer days together, less structure and more sharing (of toys, screens, space and parental attention) all lead to children demanding that you referee fights and arguments.

So how can we respond fairly to a fight (even if we didn't see it) and help our children learn to sort things out themselves? Research suggests children learn best when adults offer fairly minimal support and encourage kids to resolve conflict themselves. These squabbles are excellent practice for the conflict we all face throughout life, and the more we step in, the fewer chances children have to build these skills.

So it is helpful for adults to be nearby and available, but not to step in to manage the situation directly every time. Intervene immediately only to ensure safety: "We don't hurt each other's bodies." If things escalate or the conflict is one-sided, it might also be time to step in. For example, "We don't speak to each other like that." When you're pulled into a dispute, resist running a court case.

Rather than adjudicating, we want to build our children's empathy and conflict-resolution skills. Every child is different, and there's usually more going on than a simple "right" or "wrong." One child might explode over something genuinely unfair, then be blamed for their big reaction. Another might get carried away in an exciting game and play too roughly without meaning to.

It's tempting to demand an immediate apology: "Say sorry to your sister!" However, most children won't give a genuine apology unless they feel understood themselves. Children live at the center of their own world. This is healthy development, rather than selfishness, but it means they may struggle to understand someone else's point of view—particularly if they're upset.

In fact, we all want to feel understood, and it's very difficult to empathize with someone else until we feel heard ourselves. It can help to ask each child what happened and validate their point of view. Our role is not to judge or decide, but to acknowledge that everyone's perspectives and feelings matter.