When your kid comes home from school and says they hate their stomach, that nobody wants to be their friend because they’re “fat,” or that everyone in their class is better-looking than they are, you’d probably do anything to help them see what you see—which means the reassurance practically flies out of your mouth. That impulse comes from a good place—but it can shut down the very conversation you want to have, says Dr. Whitney Casares, a pediatrician in Portland, Ore., and author of Raising Body-Confident Kids.
Instead, start by making room for those feelings. Before you can help, you need to know what you’re responding to. Did a classmate make a rude comment?
Did your child see something triggering online? Or is their body feeling unfamiliar as they go through puberty? Those possibilities call for different conversations, Casares says.
A kid who says everyone is thinner than they are might be comparing bodies in dance class—or feeling left out by a best friend and assuming their appearance is the reason. Give your child time to explain, and let them know you’re glad they trusted you with something hard to say. Even if you’re scrambling to figure out how to respond, showing that you welcome the conversation makes it more likely they’ll come to you again.
It’s important to validate your kid’s feelings without agreeing with whatever harsh judgment they’re making about themselves. That’s why Markey likes this way of acknowledging the hurt without reinforcing the criticism. If a classmate’s comment set this off, follow up with: “Why do you think that person said that?” Maybe Preston the fourth-grader was insulting everyone, or didn’t even understand the word he was using.
Exploring what happened can help your child question how much weight to give the remark. After all, your insistence that they’re beautiful comes with an obvious caveat: You’re their parent. Of course you think that.
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