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Nigel’s ‘chiselled cheekbones’ make the news – Reform’s the Reformer, digested by John Crace

Nigel’s ‘chiselled cheekbones’ make the news – Reform’s the Reformer, digested by John Crace

theguardian.com 31.10.2026 08:00 10 views
Editor, agony uncle, crossword compiler – he even interviews himself. Our sketchwriter finds there’s no end to Farage’s talentsWelcome to your new super, soaraway Reformer. The paper that aims to take you back to the 195

The paper that aims to take you back to the 1950s with all the stories that the mainstream media don’t want you to read. And those who happen to have found a copy on the floor of the bus. We are living in dangerous times.

The chances of finding an immigrant ahead of you in the supermarket checkout queue have never been higher. Now more than ever you need a newspaper you can trust. One that isn’t afraid to tell you the truth about Broken Britain, and where you can find a grievance on every page.

So let me introduce you to the Reformer team. And then there are seven or eight other nobodies whose names escape me. Here is my promise to you.

If you are not fully satisfied with the Reformer in the first 100 days then I will sack all the people I have already forgotten. A sensational report that has been hushed up by establishment figures linked to the European Union reveals that migrants are responsible for the failure of this summer’s harvest. The report, which has been leaked to the Reformer by a source who wishes to go by the name of Nigel, reveals that officials have tried to blame the crop failure on climate change.

Global warming is a hoax perpetuated by leftwing politicians who want to encourage unlimited illegal immigration. But there’s no denying the facts. Back in the days when you seldom saw a black or brown face, British summers were much cooler.

It’s time for everyone to start telling the truth.” In one of the country’s biggest surveys of two families, the Reformer can exclusively report that white people much prefer to live next to white people. The families in question say their lives are being made a misery by having a man called Zia Yusuf as their next door neighbour. What’s intolerable is that he is a deeply unpleasant person who goes out of his way to be rude to everyone.

Extract — continue reading at the source.

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