Six months ago, I was driving past John Lewis on the M40 with my wife and stepdaughter, Raye’s I Know You’re Hurting playing on the stereo, when I realised I was crying. It was the third time I’d listened to the song, but it was the first time I’d really heard it. It was as though the lyrics were speaking directly to me: “I can see you standing on the edge … You give when you have little left to give.” Music had made me emotional before, but only ever because of the melody or the arrangement or the orchestration.
I have worked in music since I was 21, and as a recording and mix engineer, I’ll listen to a song all day, taking it apart to work out how to make it better. After listening to a song 200 times, it inevitably loses its meaning, and over the years, I’ve become desensitised to the power music can have. But this time, for the first time, it was the lyrics that brought me to tears.
I had been struggling with my mental health for two decades – almost half a lifetime. But I hid it, scared to admit it to my family, even to myself. As Raye sings: “And you hide it so well, you do.” The last few years had been especially difficult with Covid, a divorce, becoming a stepfather to teenagers and turning 50.
I’d invested so much time into my career – working 80-100-hour weeks at its peak – but I questioned what my legacy would be when I look back on my life. I’d sit in silence, a face of thunder, wallowing in self-pity. My family would ask: “What’s wrong with you?” And I’d bite my tongue, not knowing what to say, just knowing I needed to do better.
I had tried cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) many times, but I found I’d just talk without acting on the steps. Still, when my wife suggested speaking to the GP about antidepressants a couple of years ago, I was reluctant, thinking it would kill my creativity. I Know You’re Hurting unlocked something in me, though.
Hearing my pain articulated by Raye finally allowed me to accept that I was struggling. It gave me permission to admit it. Two months later, I made an appointment with the GP, who prescribed antidepressants.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
