For Boomers, The Story of Us is a bad (oops) Bruce Willis and Michelle Pfeiffer movie, and for Millennials, it’s a whiny (double oops) Taylor Swift song. But for couples therapists, the “Story of Us” is a bed of relationship tea leaves. Simply put, the Story of Us refers to the narrative that couples tell about their relationship, from how they got together and fell in love to all the plot twists between then and now, certified Gottman couples therapist Alysha Roll, MSW, LCSW, tells Cosmopolitan.
Amongst other things, “it’s where and how you met, what stood out about each other and drew you together, and how you decided to make a commitment and become a family,” she says. Developed by relationship researcher and psychologist John Gottman, the gist is that how you tell a story reveals how a couple feels about each other these days, she says. No doubt, we’ve all been the audience to the Dynamic Duo who has turned their meet-cute into comedy fodder.
Other times, each partner’s twist on the story is different, leading to some mid-telling teasing about the other’s terrible memory. Or—and far more awkwardly for the audience—“an argument can break out over who remembers things correctly,” Addison says. But whether you’re finishing one another’s sentences or squabbling over the nitty-gritty, these accounts aren’t just entertaining for the person who asked how you met.
Instead, your “Story of Us” is a peek into how the relationship is actually faring. The genre of your Story of Us has surprisingly little to do with the plot. Indeed, she says, “how a couple talks together about their shared past offers helpful clues about how the relationship is going now”—even more so than the actual details (i.e., children, health, jobs, homes) of what they’ve been through.
Meaning, a couple can shoulder layoffs and unemployment, health hurdles, deaths in the family, money problems, and other decidedly un-rom-com-y plot points and can still co-create a Story of Us marked by togetherness. Rather, they describe the times marked by gobbley-gook through a lens of getting through it together and coming out even stronger, she says. Even while recounting the muck, they joke in a friendly way, correct each other gently and accept those corrections, and make positive remarks about each other, she says.
On the flip, two people with an objectively cutesy love story can tell a Story of Us that has you Googling “divorce attorney” by the end. Hello contempt, my dark friend. Roll suggests considering a first-date example involving a tiny beat-up car, a lost dinner reservation, and an impromptu wine-and-cheese picnic in the park.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
