And then comes the realization that other people are watching you cry. Tears rarely consult your calendar: They arrive during performance reviews, tough conversations, uncomfortable medical appointments, and other moments when you’d much rather schedule them for later, in private. Fortunately, psychologists say there are ways to interrupt the process—or at least turn down the intensity—without pretending you’re fine.
She calls that “adaptive suppression.” “It’s intentional, it’s short-term, it’s situational.” Crying isn’t entirely under your conscious control. It involves a complex interplay of brain, bodily, and emotion-regulation processes—which helps explain why a stern internal “absolutely not” doesn’t reliably work. Kuehnle describes crying as “a release valve for your nervous system.” “Crying is sort of your body’s permission to let go,” she says.
In one small lab study, women’s heart rates rose just before and as they began to cry, then quickly returned to baseline. Their breathing slowed, too. The findings suggest that crying can begin amid heightened arousal, then become part of the body’s shift back toward calm.
Here’s how to tamp down on your tears when they come at an inconvenient time. Don’t wait until the tears are already rolling. Your best chance of postponing them is to act during the early warning period, when your eyes are just starting to sting or your breathing begins to change.
If you slept terribly, got into a fight with your partner before work, or are already juggling six other stressors, it might not take much to tip you into tears. In the heat of the moment, start by slowing your breathing. You might breathe in for four counts, hold for seven, and exhale for eight—or simply focus on breathing out slowly.
Another option is two quick inhales through your nose followed by one long exhale through your mouth. The goal is to lower your level of physiological arousal before the tears gain momentum. If you’re somewhere you can get away with it—muted on Zoom, for example—Kuehnle also suggests humming, which can have a calming effect.
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