Maybe it’s a lack of freedom, unequal responsibilities with a partner, or both, but you’re big mad. You had a certain expectation for what new motherhood would look like: Friends and family stopping by, your partner playing peek-a-boo with the baby, and even yourself feeling calm, patient, and present when the baby cries. Reality might look a bit different, though.
You blink, and your partner heads back to work, reading a newly cracked novel on the commute. Your friend drops by with pastries, then jets off to a yoga class. Everyone’s gone but you and the baby.
You’re at home, wading through a pile of burp cloths and hoping the baby naps long enough for you to choke down a sandwich. If you’re feeling a little ragey about that, you’re not alone. In one 2022 cross-sectional survey, nearly a third of new moms reported feeling intense anger.
But who are you actually angry with, and are you even mad, or — let's be brutally honest for a second — just jealous of their freedom and spontaneity? What’s really going on is likely more complicated than that, but there are things you can do things about it besides screaming into a pillow. Anger is often underrepresented in research on the postpartum period, and tends to fly under the radar when moms get screened for perinatal depressive and anxiety disorders, as it can occur without elevated depressive symptoms, says Christine Ou, Ph.D., lead author of the aforementioned survey, assistant professor at the University of Victoria in Canada, and founder of the school’s Parent-Child Lab.
In a 2018 review, which Ou co-authored, researchers found that several factors contributed to moms’ anger, including a feeling of powerlessness and a misalignment between expectations and reality. But you can also feel angry simply because having a newborn is hard. Moms were often mad because “their needs were compromised, and they were exhausted or stressed,” says Ou, as to why many new moms reported feeling anger.
That’s pretty par for the course during the newborn haze, but being stuck at home — especially without help or breaks — can intensify those emotions. Babies can bring a lot of joy, but staying at home around the clock with one is no picnic. First, newborns operate on an unpredictable schedule and demand constant supervision, making it feel like a logistical nightmare to get out of the house.
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