In fact, it fuels sexual fantasies for the vast majority of people, according to Justin Lehmiller, PhD, a researcher at the Kinsey Institute and Men’s Health advisor. He surveyed 4,175 Americans about their sexual fantasies for his 2018 book Tell Me What You Want, and found that 93 percent of self-identified women and 90 percent of self-identified men fantasized about their partner talking dirty to them. While the psychological appeal of dirty talk “hasn’t received a ton of study,” says Lehmiller, some studies have reported that erotic stimuli (e.g., dirty talk) fire up the hypothalamus, a region of the brain that influences sexual behavior.
But whispering a filthy phrase isn’t just arousing to your partner, it can also strengthen your relationship outside of the bedroom. It’s true: The more you engage in erotic talk that is mutualistic (meaning, focused on you as a couple rather than you as an individual) and includes intimacy and bonding, the higher your post-sex relationship satisfaction, according to a 2020 study. Dirty talk is also a great way to build anticipation and cultivate consent—both before and during intimacy, says Jessica O’Reilly, PhD, sexologist and coauthor of The Ultimate Guide to Seduction and Foreplay.
While talking about what you want to do, what you plan on doing, or how you’re feeling in the moment, you and your partner can get a better sense of where the boundaries are and make sure you’re on the same page. So, dirty talk is actually kinda wholesome. Of course, that doesn’t make it any less nerve-wracking the first time you try uttering a filthy phrase in the bedroom. (After all, those kinds of words and phrases probably aren't in your everyday vocabulary.) But don’t worry about getting tongue-tied, we hit up the experts to get their advice on how to talk dirty, plenty of phrase suggestions, and where to get more dirty talk inspo.
ABOUT HALF OF people—56 percent of men and 53 percent of women—consider dirty talk “somewhat or very appealing,” according to a 2017 study. Basically, you’ve got a 50/50 shot. But you should be 100 percent sure before you start spewing out explicit phrases.
So, ask your partner whether they’re on board—and more specifically, if there are any particular words that make them cringe or feel downright uncomfortable. (We recommend having this conversation when you're not in the middle of a hookup, so no one feels pressured to answer one way or another.) The next time you're eating breakfast together or just lying in bed snuggling, you could ask, “Hey, out of curiosity, how do you feel about dirty talk?” And if they're into it, you could ask, “What would you like to hear me say? Are there any words you're not cool with?” Some words or phrases might be out of bounds for you or your partner, and it’s both of your jobs to know what they are. They might say, “When partners call me a b*tch, it’s not really a turn-on for me.
I would love it if you called me a sl*t instead.” Dirty words for body parts (p*ssy, c*ck, d*ck, t*ts, etc.) are also worth discussing; there’s nothing inherently wrong with any of them, but some people have strong reactions to one over another. NERVOUS NEWBIES, LISTEN up: There are several ways to ease into dirty talk. Ahead, the experts share a step-by-step guide.
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