Like she wanted to be a dutiful wife Kelly and I met in our early 20s in a gym-slash-nightclub – she was an aerobics teacher and I was a bartender. I remember spying her incredible figure from afar, through all the chrome decor and disco balls. A year after marrying, we became parents and the sexiness got squeezed by screaming children, bills and responsibilities.
During these fraught years, I would frequently initiate sex, but I was often met with “my hair is a mess” or “the dishes are not done” – and eventually, I stopped trying. If it passed the six-month mark Kelly would initiate, but I got the sense she was just playing the dutiful wife. She would want to do it with the lights off and the covers up to her chin.
When our kids left the nest, all of our tensions around child-rearing went away, but so many issues remained around how much I was spending and socialising. I suggested we try marriage counselling, and I learned that she wasn’t nagging at me to stop spending money on golf because she was being selfish; and she realised I wasn’t being selfish for wanting to spend time with friends. It helped me to see that Kelly worries about money, and her to see that I’m just desperate for a bit of me time amid the chaos of everyday life.
It was on a trip visiting family, three months into therapy, when something changed in Kelly. This time she didn’t care about having the lights off or the covers on. It was like the floodgates opened, and ever since we’ve started having sex weekly.
In the past, when I would ask her what she wanted during sex, she would respond: “Nothing. I don’t have anything to tell you.” Now, she gives me specific directions. We are much better at communicating – even if it’s not working.
We might say let’s watch TV instead. I think not giving up on our marriage has brought us closer together. We hold hands now when we walk down the street.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
