We all know at least one or two adults who like to have things done for them: someone to run their errands, drive them to the doctor, pick up their medications and groceries. I was what is referred to as the parentified child, taking care of her since I was a young girl until she died seven years ago. I was so put off by my mother’s complete reliance on other people that I went in the opposite direction; I became a psychologist who strongly prefers to do everything for herself.
I learned over time that the problem with excessive self-reliance or stoicism is that it isn’t always, or even often, effective. As a psychologist, I had to learn and teach myself, as well as my patients, the importance of asking for help when one needs it. As I tell my patients (and as I learned to tell myself), we do ourselves a disservice by not asking for and accepting help when we need it.
No one can go through life alone. Humans are social beings, and we are designed to be interconnected with one another. Being able to effectively ask for and receive help also makes us stronger and more independent over time.
There are many reasons why people don’t like to ask for help. One is we think we should be able to do everything for ourselves. We feel like if we ask others for help that we will look weak or needy.
We might fear rejection or are concerned with imposing on others. We may be concerned that asking someone for help gives people some kind of power or leverage over us. We may even believe that receiving help from others means we owe someone something back.
I have some of those same cognitive distortions in my thinking as well. I need to give myself grace and compassion for having such thoughts, and then push through them. The next step is figuring out what help we could benefit from, and knowing how, when, and who to ask for help.
Extract — continue reading at the source.
