we only write in english to this topic
əjdaha lazımdı
izlə
dostlar
mən
googlla
düzəldilməli başlıq adları - azərbaycanın yaxşı tərəfləri - sözaltı english - timidusun sevgilisi olmaq - english
dostlarının yazdıqları:
that at the beginning of time people were unconscious.
and that consciousness emerged with all of its catastrophes, consciousness of death, for example.
and one of way out of the burden of consciousness was to return to unconsciousness. you can do that with alcohol, you can do that by being dependent, you can do that by failing to grow up. you refuse the burden of consciousness by becoming unconscious again.
but there's another way for it, which is to become even more conscious.
so the idea would be, a little bit of consciousness is like an illness, but if you can expand that consciousness upwards enough, then it starts to become something that is its own cure.
and that partly what your goal is while you suffer through life is to heighten your consciousness to the point where everything gets integrated enough so that that's proper medication for the disease of self-consciousness."
4:08 am.
but still, my heart is racing back to you. like a magnet. so rational of me.
trying to run away from your gravity these days. the black old sun. the black hole inside. me. is so bright that I can't see any further no more. can only see your eyes, everywhere, without faces. and fences, between us, bloody fences. as big as oceans.
__________
remember the feminist that used to torture me on my dreams? well, she's back. this time for good she said. I'm scared. and apparently you're sacred. 'cus this is all for you. they all are coming back for your revenge. so much for justice so much for love.
__________
remember how much i hated writing - sweared that never again? we'll you must be happy, here I'm writing again late nights. not for you, but because of you.
cus i figured, after long years, talking to people doesn't solve things, it just adds up. stranger danger. it's like a horseshit exchange, you tell your story, they tell theirs. and no one actually listens.
__________
the only difference between you and my whiskey is, at least the drink helps to forget. unlike you. keep reminding your. self. so selfish of you.
__________
saw fred the other day, the dude from my forgotten novel. said he thought you were dead. I said I wish.
he said I shouldn't talk like that about others. till he realized he's talking to a dead man.
and till i realised i'm talking to my fictional characters
_________
remember I always wanted to get a dog that won't talk? I managed to get the dog somehow, but she keeps barking. your. name.
or i think im going insane.
// Timidus - a few years before his death, midnight (2021)
#318696
I wish the world were ending tomorrow. Then I could take the next train, arrive at your doorstep in Vienna, and say: “Come with me, Milena. We are going to love each other without scruples or fear or restraint. Because the world is ending tomorrow.” Perhaps we don’t love unreasonably because we think we have time, or have to reckon with time. But what if we don't have time? Or what if time, as we know it, is irrelevant? Ah, if only the world were ending tomorrow. We could help each other very much.” - kafka
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
not meeting with anyone doesn't help, neither meeting. for the past week, everything has been going to the bottom again, before that everything seemed fine. or you were wrong.
there is no reason to wake up again, nor to sleep. you were arrested again in your sleep today, you forgot the reason, you looked old. you went to see your children born from different mothers you never cared, they smiled and said goodbye, you didn't blame. "come see me sometimes, the prison is close to you coincidentally" you said with an old drunken attitude. - "Yes, of course!"
life does it's best again, you want to run away from reality and hide in your sleep, it makes it worse, you can't blame. game sets the rules. everything looks so archetypical. you want to shout at the clouds for their metaphors, but what's the use.
every time you try put yourself together and start behaving as if everything is fine, sometimes two or three weeks later, everything falls apart. like a circus performer whose makeup is falling off, you run to the backstage and try to control your emotions. they do what they want to do. they put a belt around your neck and drag you behind them, "do as we say". they pretend not to see you.
you want to run away and disappear in another corner of the world. you don't want to see anyone you know in your life anymore. either you weren't good enough for them or they weren't good enough for you.
no one has the same problems. no one understands each other. what's the use even if they do. instead of talking, you choose to drink together, but how much.
right at the point when you thought you had given up all your bad habits, you find yourself in worse habits before you even had time to rejoice. the same music plays over and over again. you don't want to hear any new melodies.
your phone is deaf-mute now. you didn't want those who were looking for you. and the ones you wanted didn't care for you.
the only person you answer the phone is a police officer who checks your probation situation every two months. every time he asks "do you stay away from trouble?", you say "yes" and lie.
disgusted from yourself or your life, you try to shorten your life by smoking endless cigarettes.
to silence the voices in your head there is no poison left that you did not pour on it. the mistakes of the past will happen in the future. you can see the tomorrow, maybe that was the curse, the only thing you can see clearly is desperations, the rest is blurred.
______
you never had a plan, or you didn't want to. you still don't know if you're losing because you can't play or because you don't want to.
you waited all winter for the spring, and when the days begin to lengthen, you close all the curtains and become even more tense. are you runing away from the sun or the people? maybe from yourself, away from the sight of the observer, you act as if you don't exist. you try to get into the box like a schordinger's cat and disappear.
______
you no longer have dreams, you're alone, it's better. you sit in your room and wait for the days to pass. you are tense in the mornings and desperate at nights.
(youtube: 
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spending your night in the toilet seat puking makes you realize things, like why are you actually there.
what did go wrong
do you still drink for fun or is it a pain killer
having a lot in my mind I think I've been detached from every conversation that I have daily. keeping everything on a small talk level and not wanting to carry on. already guessing how every conversation will continue.
been trying to move from boston or even usa but can't decide and can't get over it. makes you live in a split world.
and the reason I'm writing this here is cus, guess why, 2020 was the most increased demand year for therapists. if you don't have a therapist, internet is your friend to shitpost, cus that's what you do with therapy, you shitpost your ideas. and pay someone to listen.
-sin cerely from a k hole
therapy is like hiring a prostitute, you leave as soon as you ejaculate.
o qədər əsəbiyəm ki therapistə gedib qışqırıb çıxmaq istəyirəm.
grow up babe.
poisoned by shrooms.
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