What does it really take to be a resilient mother?

is a counselling psychologist and co-founder of Talking Women, a private psychology practice in London, UK, specialising in perinatal and women’s mental health issues. She writes the Substack Becoming Women. My mother did all this and she had three kids.

I can’t even cope with one. I’m pathetic.’ Andrea* looks down, avoiding my gaze. I can’t tell where she is looking because we are conducting our therapy session online.

Most of my sessions with new mothers have moved online: it’s one remnant of the COVID-19 pandemic that has actually helped new mothers, being able to access therapy without having to leave the house. I am guessing that for Andrea, my compassion in this moment probably feels too uncomfortable to absorb. She is sitting in this belief that she is somehow not resilient enough to handle the demands of motherhood, and my heart breaks for her.

I have been thinking a lot about what resilience means for mothers today. It’s a conversation I have with many of my clients, and a lot of the beliefs I encounter are about deficiency – it’s something they do not have, while others seemingly do. When I met Andrea, she’d just had her first baby.

Her son was sleeping for only 45 minutes at a time, and her husband was already back at work. She told me she was crying a lot and not enjoying this time with her son. She chastised herself constantly for not just being grateful.

She felt stuck in a place where she did not know how to perform, and everyone else seemed to be doing better than her. Like so many others, she was judging herself against a blueprint of motherhood that feels unachievable in today’s world. The cost-of-living crisis, low maternity pay and childcare costs make it more difficult for women to juggle work and parenting.